I told you to write in personal pronouns.
It should be written like the person is in the room with you. Write about your reader and not in the 3rd person.
2ndly, you need to improve on the grammar and yout one is rigid. Can be more friendly a
with some minor corrections, it will be perfect
too much stylistic errors, some phrases look google translated. It is very visible thata person who doesn't know english well wrote it
Good job
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